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Tools for Handling Loss personal developement

Tools for Handling Loss

Loss Events in Dysfunctional Families

The following are incidents of losses are sometimes experienced by members of dysfunctional families:

Event
Loss Involved
Having an 'abnormal' childhood
Loss of the childlike experiences due to the need to grow up too soon, taking on an adult role prematurely.
Living in an 'abnormal' family
Inability to achieve their fantasy or the dream expectation of 'normal' family life while in their family of origin.
Being unable to make it better in a new family
Loss of the expectation or desire for things to be better in the new nuclear family than they were in the family of origin; destructive patterns emerge.
Having an unhappy, nonproductive marriage
Loss of the expectation of a happy, 'normal' marriage when they confront the realities of the present marriage.
Having other than 'normal', healthy children
Loss of the expectation of having children who are going to be better off than they were. When their children have ill health, a developmental disability, or have emotional or behavior problems, they grieve even more.
Death of a spouse or child
Loss of the loved one who was going to help them make their life better.
Death of a parent
Losing the chance to make it right and get close to parent. Continued feelings of neglect, hurt, of not being 'good enough' to get parent's attention, recognition, approval.
Divorce
Loss of the 'ideal' marriage that was going to make things better. Loss of the ideal of a lifelong partner.
Financial troubles
Loss of self-respect. Belief that one should provide financial security for self, spouse and family is shattered.
Loss of job, failure of private business or failure in school
Loss of trust in self and others. Belief that one should provide a source of financial security or high grade point average for family is shattered.
Realization that stressful families of origin influence their current behavior
Loss of comfort in memories of the past. Thoughts of the past become colored with the realities of delusion and denial present in families of origin.
Confrontation of addictive behavior in their lives (e.g., alcohol, drugs, gambling, food, shopping, sex)
Loss of ability to hide behind the denial and delusion that things in their lives were 'normal'. Destructive patterns become clear.
Entering a treatment or rehabilitation program
Loss of privacy, loss of being able to continue with non-confronted denial, repression, or delusional behavior.
A family member enters a treatment program and responds
Loss of expectation of problem behavior of person as being 'normal' or characteristic of the person; loss of predictability of the person's behavior. Realization that family 'secrets' are out.
Occurrence of natural disaster or accident
Loss of property, health and security in things, people, or life.
Physical or mental illness in family
Loss of expectation of natural course of events for self and others. Family life turned upside down.
Lack of recognition for accomplishments on the job, at school or in the community
Loss of belief in their own self-worth and loss of incentive to continue trying. Reinforcement of the feeling that no matter what they do, it is not 'good enough'.
Realizing their loss of productivity on the job as they grow older
Loss of self-worth and meaning based on the belief that their worth is built solely upon what they do on the job or for others.
Older children move out of the house
The 'empty nest' is a sign of their no longer being needed, and they lose the 'meaning' gained for themselves by rearing their children.
Retirement
Loss of self-worth and meaning of life based on their 'work', which was their sole identity.

With kind Permision
James J. Messina, Ph.D., & Constance M. Messina, Ph.D.Copin www.coping.org