Tools for Anger Work-Out

Stop Self-Destructive Anger Responses

A Self Assessment Instrument on Self-Destructive Responses to Anger
I engage in the following self-destructive responses, which increase in frequency based on my level of anger. I need to rate each response by circling the degree to which it is true for me.

1 = never true for me

2 = rarely true for me

3 = sometimes true for me

4 = often true for me

5 = almost always true for me

1 2 3 4 5 ( 1) overuse of alcohol

1 2 3 4 5 ( 2) overuse of nonprescription drugs

1 2 3 4 5 ( 3) overuse of prescription drugs

1 2 3 4 5 ( 4) shoplifting

1 2 3 4 5 ( 5) petty theft from my employer

1 2 3 4 5 ( 6) illegal acts of revenge on my enemies

1 2 3 4 5 ( 7) compulsive gambling

1 2 3 4 5 ( 8) compulsive overeating or binging

1 2 3 4 5 ( 9) binging and purging

1 2 3 4 5 ( 10) anorexia

1 2 3 4 5 ( 11) compulsive exercising

1 2 3 4 5 ( 12) compulsive shopping

1 2 3 4 5 ( 13) overuse of credit cards

1 2 3 4 5 ( 14) compulsive drive to acquire material goods

1 2 3 4 5 ( 15) putting myself down in public

1 2 3 4 5 ( 16) setting myself up for failure

1 2 3 4 5 ( 17) unwillingness to play the political survival game on the job

1 2 3 4 5 ( 18) ignoring authority directives

1 2 3 4 5 ( 19) direct disobedience of authority directives

1 2 3 4 5 ( 20) insubordination on the job

1 2 3 4 5 ( 21) arriving late to work or school

1 2 3 4 5 ( 22) excessive absenteeism

1 2 3 4 5 ( 23) playing hooky or skipping required work and/or functions

1 2 3 4 5 ( 24) ignoring personal hygiene

1 2 3 4 5 ( 25) dressing in such a way as to hide my beauty or sexuality

1 2 3 4 5 ( 26) jumping to negative assumptions about motives when people show an interest in me

1 2 3 4 5 ( 27) feeling like a loser even when I wasn't

1 2 3 4 5 ( 28) ignoring the "yes'' messages in my life

1 2 3 4 5 ( 29) workaholism

1 2 3 4 5 ( 30) compulsive need for recognition or approval

1 2 3 4 5 ( 31) need for perfection

1 2 3 4 5 ( 32) compulsive need to look good

1 2 3 4 5 ( 33) fear of taking a risk

1 2 3 4 5 ( 34) unwilling to take a stand

1 2 3 4 5 ( 35) keeping silent; not letting others know how I feel

1 2 3 4 5 ( 36) compulsive sexual acting out

1 2 3 4 5 ( 37) excessive masturbation

1 2 3 4 5 ( 38) participation in aberrant sexual practices

1 2 3 4 5 ( 39) self-pity parties

1 2 3 4 5 ( 40) constant focusing on how awful my life has turned out

1 2 3 4 5 ( 41) inability to find my "pony'' in anything, i.e., chronic pessimism

1 2 3 4 5 ( 42) arguments or fights with people

1 2 3 4 5 ( 43) complaining

1 2 3 4 5 ( 44) holding a grudge; the desire for revenge

1 2 3 4 5 ( 45) having a chip on my shoulder

1 2 3 4 5 ( 46) being overly sensitive to the remarks of others

1 2 3 4 5 ( 47) excessive cleanliness or tidiness

1 2 3 4 5 ( 48) chronic nagging

1 2 3 4 5 ( 49) exaggerated task oriented behavior rather than people oriented

1 2 3 4 5 ( 50) never giving people a chance to be my support

A Self Assessment Instrument on Self-Destructive Responses to Anger - Part 2
I engage in the following self-destructive responses, which increase in frequency based on my level of anger. I need to rate each response by circling the degree to which it is true for me.

1 = never true for me

2 = rarely true for me

3 = sometimes true for me

4 = often true for me

5 = almost always true for me

1 2 3 4 5 ( 51) being a loner

1 2 3 4 5 ( 52) playing it safe when I am with people

1 2 3 4 5 ( 53) avoiding any chance of rejection

1 2 3 4 5 ( 54) rejecting others before they reject me

1 2 3 4 5 ( 55) excessive need for excitement

1 2 3 4 5 ( 56) ``management by crisis'' approach to life

1 2 3 4 5 ( 57) setting up situations to ensure a constant state of crisis

1 2 3 4 5 ( 58) need for the adrenalin ``rush'' I get when solving ``big'' problems

1 2 3 4 5 ( 59) lack of time management skills

1 2 3 4 5 ( 60) procrastination

1 2 3 4 5 ( 61) lack of preventive orientation

1 2 3 4 5 ( 62) holding onto denial of my problems

1 2 3 4 5 ( 63) unwillingness for change to occur

1 2 3 4 5 ( 64) lack of honesty about who I am and how I feel

1 2 3 4 5 ( 65) preferring to lie than the hard work of being honest

1 2 3 4 5 ( 66) unwillingness to trust anyone

1 2 3 4 5 ( 67) close minded to new ideas

1 2 3 4 5 ( 68) obstinate holding on to "the way it was always done'' or 'the way it was''

1 2 3 4 5 ( 69) daydreaming or escaping into fantasy

1 2 3 4 5 ( 70) diverting attention from the issues at hand that need to be dealt with

1 2 3 4 5 ( 71) wearing masks to hide my feelings

1 2 3 4 5 ( 72) ignoring what's good for me and what I need

1 2 3 4 5 ( 73) not applying myself on the job, at home, or in my personal life

1 2 3 4 5 ( 74) giving others the power to intimidate me

1 2 3 4 5 ( 75) unwilling to defend my rights assertively

1 2 3 4 5 ( 76) excessive TV watching

1 2 3 4 5 ( 77) excessive sleeping or napping

1 2 3 4 5 ( 78) excessive involvement in time demanding activities, activities that help me avoid the realities of life

1 2 3 4 5 ( 79) being irresponsible with my life

1 2 3 4 5 ( 80) yoyo dieting (losing and quickly regaining weight)

1 2 3 4 5 ( 81) smoking (legal and/or illegal substances)

1 2 3 4 5 ( 82) eating unbalanced meals

1 2 3 4 5 ( 83) not caring for my health

1 2 3 4 5 ( 84) not wearing seat belts

1 2 3 4 5 ( 85) driving carelessly

1 2 3 4 5 ( 86) driving over the speed limit

1 2 3 4 5 ( 87) engaging in risky or dangerous activities

1 2 3 4 5 ( 88) having suicidal thoughts

1 2 3 4 5 ( 89) acting on suicidal impulses

1 2 3 4 5 ( 90) ignoring the warning signs or symptoms of an illness and not getting proper medical attention

1 2 3 4 5 ( 91) inflicting injury and pain on myself

1 2 3 4 5 ( 92) encouraging or allowing others to abuse me physically, emotionally, verbally, or sexually

1 2 3 4 5 ( 93) not defending myself in the face of a violent attack

1 2 3 4 5 ( 94) lying about my skills or competence in order to get ahead

1 2 3 4 5 ( 95) ignoring my feelings in a relationship

1 2 3 4 5 ( 96) sacrificing myself for the sake of others

1 2 3 4 5 ( 97) allowing others to take advantage of me

1 2 3 4 5 ( 98) putting others first, myself last

1 2 3 4 5 ( 99) allowing myself to be the victim

1 2 3 4 5 (100) not working on my self-growth and self-esteem enhancement program for personal recovery and healing

What causes me to act self-destructively?
Reasons for my self-destructive behavior include two main areas: holding anger in and inappropriately expressing it.

When I hold my anger in instead of expressing it in a healthy way, I end up acting in self-destructive ways because I:

• experience depression
• become pessimistic
• feel resentment
• want to get revenge
• end up with a chip on my shoulder
• hold grudges
• wear masks to hide my feelings
• feel bitter and disappointed
• feel powerless to get what I need
• feel like giving up

When I act out my anger in rage or other impulsive ways, I end up acting in self-destructive ways because I feel:

• guilty for my rage
• remorse for hurting others
• embarrassed by my behavior
• disappointed in myself
• like a loser or a failure
• ignored and unwanted
• repentant but un-forgiven for my actions
• afraid to let my anger out again
• like I should be punished in some way
• that my life is not worth living

What are typical characteristics of a self-destructive response to anger?
When I have acted in a self-destructive way regarding anger it is:

• almost always at a subconscious level; I'm unaware of the self-destructive nature of my behavior.
• defeating my personal growth
• a means of sabotaging my growth
• often not clearly connected with the object(s) of my anger
• something I would usually deny as a response to my anger
• a behavior of mine about which I would rather lie than face honestly
• often at the root of my resistance to mature change and growth
• something I hold onto; I can't let go of it easily
• based on my irrational thinking and belief system
• often in direct opposition to the values I profess to uphold
• a paradox that is hard for me to explain
• a habit that has developed over time and is resistant to change
• a behavior I saw in my parents and other members of my family of origin
• often the behavior that ultimately led me to seek out professional help
• something that reduces my self-esteem

What irrational thinking leads to my self-destructive anger responses?
I am a loser, a failure.

• No matter what I do things will never change.
• This behavior has nothing to do with the way I handle anger.
• A little self-pity is just what the doctor ordered.
• Being a little self-indulgent is healthy. Anyway it's just this one time.
• My life is already a wreck; how could this hurt.
• No one will ever like me, want me, or love me for myself.
• Everyone is out to get me; I have to accept this fact.
• No matter what I do it will never be "good'' enough.
• I can't deal with that problem; I'm too ashamed to fact it.
• It's better to stuff my anger; it's cosmetic and clean.
• Don't bring up a problem from the past if it hurts too much to face it.
• I've gone this long without dealing with it, so let sleeping dogs lie.
• I'd rather stay to myself than be hurt again.
• I have to do it all on my own or it won't be fully corrected.
• Unless I can do it perfectly I won't do it at all.
• I don't need people to help me with my problems.
• It's better not to be too analytical with my own behavior; why create "new'' problems for myself.
• What others call self-destructive, I refer to as "having fun.''
• Everyone needs a little excess in life; we're only human.
• Live life to the fullest and party hearty; life is too short not to enjoy it.
• The only way to have fun is to let it all hang out.
• No matter what I try, I can't stop those behaviors.
• This behavior is what makes me unique, why change?
• My behavior isn't "slow suicide,'' it's just variations on a life-style.
• How else are you supposed to "blow off'' steam?
• This behavior is painless, victimless, and doesn't cost a cent.
• It's not like I murder people with my behavior.

What are the negative consequences of engaging in self-destructive anger responses?
When I resort to a self-destructive response to anger, I:

• get stuck in my efforts to change and grow.
• experience more pain and suffering.
• find that my growth is diminished or lost.
• find myself going backward rather than progressing in life.
• feel irresponsible, flippant, and careless.
• get confused by the differences between my beliefs and my behavior.
• remain both mentally and physically ill.
• am prone to a greater risk for panic attacks or other stress-induced illnesses.
• find the direction of my life out of focus, with nothing is in place.
• give power to people, places, and things.
• resort to addictive or obsessive behavior.
• revert to the old scripts, the old ways of dealing with anger in my family of origin.
• find my anger does not dissipate.

Things I can do to rid myself of self-destructive responses to anger?
First: Identify each specific behavior, attitude, or feeling that is self-destructive.

Second: Try to identify the anger at the root of each self-destructive response.

Third: Define the anger at the root of each self-destructive response by listing in my journal:

• the persons involved
• the events involved
• why it angers me
• how it affects me both then and now
• why this anger has so much power over me now
• what resentment, revenge, hatred, or rage is involved
• how I originally handled this anger
• why I haven't dealt completely with this anger yet
• what irrational thinking causes me to act this way
• what healthy responses to this anger could I substitute
• Fourth: Perform anger work-outs on each issue until I am able to let go of the anger, forgive those involved, and forget the events.

Fifth: Begin to extinguish each self-destructive behavior by:

• asking my spouse, significant other, close family member, or close friend to help me stop this behavior.
• asking for care and concern from the members of my support network.
• joining a Twelve Step Program or some other peer-support self-help group addressed to the specific self-destructive issues with which you are dealing
• Sixth: Develop a new set of behavior traits to replace the self-destructive responses to anger, including:
• the use of assertive "I feel'' statements with people as soon as I feel anger starting.
• the use of health oriented activities for anxiety, tension, and stress release, like physical exercise or progressive muscle relaxation
• the use of an internal monitoring system to trigger an alarm when I slip into self-destructive behavior.
• use of self-esteem enhancing behavior like self-affirmation, positive visual imagery, and self-hypnosis.

Steps to overcoming self-destructive responses to anger
Step 1: I need to identify each self-destructive behavior I use as a response to anger. To do this I will rate each of the one hundred behavior traits listed in A Self Assessment Instrument on Self-Destructive Responses to Anger as to how they impact my life.

Step 2: For every behavior to which I've given a rating of 3 or higher, I will use the steps outlined in Actions I can do to rid myself of self-destructive responses to anger?.

Step 3: Once I've completed Actions I can do to rid myself of self-destructive responses to anger? for each self-destructive behavior, I need to do a self-inventory to see if I've accomplished my goal.

Step 4: If after my self-inventory I find I'm still acting in self-destructive ways then I need to return to Step 1, and begin again.

With kind Permision
James J. Messina, Ph.D., & Constance M. Messina, Ph.D.Copin www.coping.org