Growing Down: Tools for Healing the Inner Child

Getting in Touch with Feelings

Why it is important to be in touch with your feelings
When you are in touch with your own feelings you:

• Become a more real and authentic person.
• Become more honest with yourself about who you are, where you have come from, and where you are going.
• Begin to be more willing to take risks and become more vulnerable and intimate in interpersonal relationships.
• Cease being in denial about what is really happening in your life.
• No longer pull in and hide so that you become invisible to yourself and others.
• Take the risk of no longer disassociating or becoming numb when things are going on in your life which are negative or overwhelming.
• Make yourself stay conscious to the reality of your life so that you are able to recall or remember it in the future rather than to have no memory of it.
• Push yourself to have a broadened or enriched emotional vocabulary to describe the experiences of your life.
• Cease viewing life from a black or white perspective and become more willing to take the gray into account.
• Open yourself up to grieve the losses in your life so that you no longer use denial, repression, suppression, or delusion to describe your life the way you wanted it to be but rather describe your life the way it really was.
• Allow yourself to become a congruent healthy human being who uses rational, reality-based thinking to assist your feelings to become rational and reality-based so that the actions and behaviors which follow are also rational and reality-based.
• Are open to the spirit of your inner child in your soul who allows you to enjoy your life to the fullest without the constraints or restrictions of how you "should'' think, feel or act.
• Live life moment to moment, day to day, and become reasonably happy realizing that feelings are a natural, human process.
• Begin to accept that feeling all feelings is OK and that there is no right or wrong feeling.
• Become open to experience the full continuum of emotions from the most painfully negative to the most exhilaratingly positive.
• Grow in the ability to listen, understand, and be empathetic to others' verbal and nonverbal expressions of feelings and emotions.

Causes for your being out of touch with your feelings
There are three major reasons why you may currently be out of touch with your own feelings. They are:

• Nonfeeling personality pattern
• This behavioral pattern is described in Laying the Foundation. This pattern is also known as Alexathemia, the absence of feeling, emotionally laden vocabulary, and experience.
• Pulling-in personality pattern
• This behavioral pattern is described in Laying the Foundation. This is a withdrawal pattern in which you resort to a low profile or invisibility to hold in emotions in order to avoid being dragged into the conflicts and troubles going on around you in life.

Disassociation

• This is a survival pattern of becoming numb or disconnected from the emotions that accompany an event which is unpleasant, threatening, abusive, violent, uncomfortable, or challenging to you. This pattern enables you to terminate an association with the event so as to survive the event and get on with your life.

New rational self-scripts to encourage you to get in touch with your feelings
The following are positive, rational, reality-based affirmations you may want to use in mirror work and journal writing in order to facilitate your ability to identify and express your feelings:

• It is healthy to feel your feelings.
• There is no such thing as a right or wrong feeling.
• All feelings are OK.
• It is OK to feel what I am feeling now.
• No one can take what I am currently feeling away from me.
• I have a right to feel my feelings.
• No one can judge me wrong for feeling the feelings I experience in my life.
• It is OK to have negative feelings and to identify and express them freely.
• I am feeling feelings every second of my waking hours.
• Identifying and expressing my feelings makes me a real and authentic human being.
• No one can deny me my feelings.
• No one can tell me how I should be feeling.
• No one has the right to make me feel bad or guilty for the feelings I am feeling.
• I am more alive and vigorous when I am in touch with my feelings.
• I have a right to have my feelings be visible, seen and heard by others.
• I will no longer hide my feelings and emotions from myself and the others in my life.
• I deserve to give and receive honest feedback about my feelings toward persons, places, things, and events in my life.
• I deserve to have my feelings listened to by others.
• I choose to feel my feelings be they positive or negative so that I cease being numb to my life.
• I have the right to experience the grief and mourning emotions which I will feel as I face the losses in my life.
• I will heal and grow as I become more in touch with my feelings.
• I will "grow down'' more as I open myself up to get in touch with my feelings

How to improve the identification and experiencing of your feelings
To help you get in touch with your feelings you can do one or more of the following:

• Keep a daily feelings log.
• Keep a daily journal identifying what happened to you in the day and how it made you feel.
• Work on identifying the losses you experienced in your life and grieve the loss of them by using the strategies for handling losses in Tools for Handling Loss.
• Do anger workouts on an as needed basis and do the anger work strategies as identified in Tools for Anger Workout.
• Use effective listening and responding techniques in your communications with others so that you are able to express your feelings, listen to and understand the feelings of others, and respond to them to reflect this understanding. This work is more fully explained in Tools for Communications.
• Read books about others whose life histories are similar to yours and see how they express their feelings about their life experiences. Use these others' words as role models for your own emotional expression.
• Attend a weekly support group to experience the active identification of feelings in the giving and receiving of support. Use The SEA's Manual to help you and others to conduct your support program with a SEA's program emphasis.

Steps to help you get in touch with your feelings.
Step 1: In your journal identify what obstacles currently keeps you out of touch with your feelings. Such as if you have any of the following:

• Nonfeeling personality style
• Pulling-in personality style
• Disassociation

Once you decide the obstacles, then describe specific events from your past where you used these styles of behavior and how they helped you survive those events. Then, looking at your current life, describe for yourself how these survival techniques are no longer productive for you.

Step 2: Once you have identified the obstacles to being in touch with your feelings, then identify in your journal what messages you have given yourself in the past to keep you from identifying, experiencing or expressing your feelings.

Step 3: After you have identified the negative messages you have given yourself to keep you out of touch with your feelings, then in your journal identify healthy self-affirmations which will encourage you to identify, experience, and express your feelings on a daily basis.

Step 4: Use your affirmations for getting in touch with your feelings on a daily basis and then in your journal for the next thirty days keep a "Feelings Log.'' Use the following directions to do the Feelings Log.

Feelings Log Directions

1 . In your journal on a daily basis for the next thirty days, record feelings you are experiencing.

For each day record distinct parts of the day for which you are identifying feelings, for example:

Morning - rising and breakfast.

Morning - at work (school, home).

Afternoon - lunch time.

Afternoon - back at job (school, home).

Early evening - on way home.

Evening dinner.

Later evening.

Pre-retiring to bed.

3 . For each part of the day identify the following:

What I was feeling.

The stimulus for the feeling.

What, if anything, I did as a result of this feeling.

How others reacted to what I did.

4 . To help you identify the feelings experienced, use the list of feeling words attached to this chapter.

Step 5: If after thirty days of keeping a "Feelings Log'' you are still not better able to get in touch with your feelings, return to Step 1 and begin again.

Feeling words
Use these lists of words to help you try to get in touch with your own feelings. Also use this list as you listen for the feelings of others in your conversations. Try to identify what you are feeling and at the same time try to identify what the other person's feeling.

POSITIVE FEELINGS
Love, Affection, Concern, Interest
absorbed altruistic brotherly congenial admired amiable caring conscientious adorable benevolent charitable considerate affected benign Christian cooperative affectionate big–hearted compassionate cordial agreeable honest comforting courteous dedicated honorable concerned curious devoted hospitable neighborly sweet easy–going humane nice sympathetic empathetic inquiring obliging tender engrossed inquisitive open thoughtful excited interested optimistic tolerant fascinated intrigued patient truthful fair just peaceful trustworthy faithful kind pleasant understanding forgiving kind–hearted polite unselfish friendly kindly reasonable warm generous lenient receptive warm–hearted genuine good–natured reliable well–meaning giving loving respectful wise good mellow responsible helpful good–humored mild sensitive moral

Elation, Joy

airy exalted hilarious serene amused excellent humorous sparkling animated excited in high spirit spirited at ease exhilarated inspired splendid blissful exaltation jolly sunny buoyant fantastic jovial superb bright festive joyful terrific brilliant fine joyous thrilled calm fit jubilant tranquil cheerful free lighthearted tremendous comfortable frisky lively triumphant comical gay magnificent turned on complacent genial majestic vivacious contented glad marvelous witty convivial gleeful merry wonderful delighted glorious overjoyed easy ecstatic good peaceful enthusiastic elated grand playful happy elevated gratified pleasant proud enchanted great pleased satisfied

Eager

agog avid enthusiastic hot–headed anxious desirous fervent intense ardent earnest keen zealous

Potency, Strength, Fearlessness

able durable influential sharp adequate dynamic intense skillful assured effective intrepid spirited audacious encouraged lion–hearted stable authoritative energetic macho stouthearted bold enterprising manly strong brave fearless mighty sure capable firm powerful dauntless competent forceful reassured tough confident gallant resolute virile courageous hardy robust well–equipped daring healthy secure determined dauntless self–confident important

NEGATIVE FEELINGS
Depressed, Sad

abandoned despised horrible pathetic alien despondent humiliated pitiful alienated destroyed ill at ease rebuked alone discarded in the dumps regretful annihilate disconsolate jilted reprimanded awful discontented joyless rotten battered discouraged kaput ruined below par disfavored left out run down blue disheartened loathed sans burned dismal lonely somber cast off done for lonesome sorrowful cheapened downcast lousy spiritless cheerless downhearted low stranded crestfallen downtrodden melancholy sulky crushed dreadful miserable sullen dark dreary mishandled tearful debased estranged mistreated terrible defeated excluded moody unhappy degraded flat moping unloved dejected forlorn mournful upset demolished forsaken obsolete valueless depressed frowning ostracized washed up desolate funeral out of sorts whipped despair gloomy overlooked woeful grim glum hated worthless heavy–hearted wrecked grieving burdened

Distress, Hurt

aching disliked impatient skeptical afflicted displeased imprisoned speechless agonized dissatisfied injured strained anguished distrustful in pain stressed at the feet of disturbed lost suffering at the mercy of doubtful mournful suspicious awkward foolish nauseated swamped badgered futile offended the plaything of bewildered grief pained the puppet of blameworthy grieved pathetic tormented clumsy heartbroken perplexed touchy confused helpless puzzled tragic constrained hindered ridiculous ungainly crushed impaired sickened unlucky disgusted privation silly unpopular unsatisfied unsure victimized worried

Fear, Anxiety

afraid fainthearted jittery shy aghast fearful jumpy strained agitated fidgety menaced stressful alarmed frightened misgiving suspicious anxious hesitant nervous tense appalled high anxiety on edge terrified apprehensive horrified overwhelmed terror–stricken awed hysterical panicky threatened bashful ill at ease paranoid timid chicken in fear petrified timorous cowardly insecure quaking tremulous desperate intimidated restless uncomfortable dismayed jealous scared uneasy doubtful bullied shaky worrying dread embarrassed shocked yellow

Belittling, Criticism, Scorn

abused diminished made light of ridiculed belittled discredited maligned roasted branded disdained minimized scoffed at carped at disgraced mocked scorned caviled at disparaged neglected shamed censured humiliated not taken seriously slammed criticized ignored overlooked slandered defamed jeered poked fun at slighted deflated lampooned pooh–poohed thought nothing of deprecated laughed at pulled to pieces underestimated spurned libeled put down underrated derided

Doubtful

distrustful indecisive questioning unbelieving dubious misgiving skeptical uncertain hesitant perplexed suspicious incredulity

Impotency, Inadequacy

anemic flimsy insecure unable broken fragile insufficient unarmed broken down frail lame uncertain chicken–hearted harmless maimed unfit cowardly helpless meek unimportant crippled impotent nerveless unqualified debilitated inadequate paralyzed unsound defective incapable powerless unsubstantiated deficient incompetent puny useless demoralized indefensible shaken vulnerable disabled ineffective shaky weak effeminate inefficient sickly weak–hearted exhausted inept small wimp exposed inferior strengthless rudderless feeble infirm trivial dead beat

Anger, Hostility, Cruelty

aggravated cross hypercritical rebellious agitated cruel ill–tempered reckless aggressive deadly impatient resentful angry cool incensed revengeful annoyed corrosive inconsiderate rough antagonistic dictatorial indignant rude arrogant disagreeable inflamed ruthless austere discontented infuriated sadistic bad–tempered dogmatic inhuman savage belligerent enraged insensitive severe bigoted envious intolerable spiteful biting fierce intolerant stern bloodthirsty fuming irritated stormy blunt furious irate sulky boiling gruesome mad sullen bullying hard malicious unfeeling callous hard–hearted mean unfriendly cantankerous harsh murderous unmerciful cold–blooded hateful nasty unruly combative heartless obstinate vicious contrary hellish offended vindictive cranky hideous opposed violent critical hostile oppressive worked–up provoked prejudiced outraged wrathful poisonous piqued perturbed wrought–up

With kind Permision
James J. Messina, Ph.D., & Constance M. Messina, Ph.D.Copin www.coping.org