Tools for a Balanced Lifestyle

A Program of Recovery from Weight Related Problems
Going for the 3 increases: Increase of Health; Increase of Happiness and Increase of Energy

Chapter 4: Addressing Resistance to Change

III. Silencing the Voices of Resistance
Obstructing your desire to change your relationship with food and exercise are not only the concepts of helplessness, hopelessness and irresponsibility and the behavioral patterns of resistance but also the voices of resistance in your head. These voices are contained in the messages which your mind sends you when someone triggers the sensations from the past which activate these voices. Sometimes these voices come from your parents be it your mother or father or both. They could come from a grandparent, aunt, uncle or cousin. They could come from teachers, authority figures, parents of friends, friends, neighbors or people in the community. The voices are typically critical, negative and undermining of your motivation to continue to work on your efforts to address your food addiction, foodaholicism and compulsive overeating. These voices need to be silenced to enable you to become successful in achieving the goals of the Tools for a Balanced Lifestyle Program.

The goals of the Program are the "3 increases:" Increase of Health; Increase of Happiness and Increase of Energy. An increase of Health, both emotional and physical, will result from full implementation of this program of recovery from food addiction. Your self-esteem will grow through the use of the ALERT, ANGER, CHILD, and LET GO systems of the SEA's Program. At the same time through improved nutritional intake and increased exercise, your body will be given a chance to be in better harmony than it has ever been in your life. An increase of Happiness will occur if you fully implement this program because you will gain a sense of peace and serenity by LETTING GO and accepting fully the concepts of the Serenity Prayer of living one day at a time, enjoying moment to moment and being reasonably happy in this live by accepting the world as it is rather than how you would like it to be. An increase of Energy will occur if you fully implement this program both at the physical and emotional level. Physically you will have more energy due to the increased level of exercise in your life and better balance of your nutritional intake. You will also have an increase of emotional energy because you will have a system to rid yourself of the energy robbing negative emotions of anger and its many faces by doing ANGER and LET GO work.

The goals, of the Tools for a Balanced Lifestyle Program, do not contain any decreases such as decrease in weight or size. The Program is geared on the principal of the belief in the "Italian Bank Account" model where a self-regulated body which has a healthy level of exercise and ingests a nutritionally balanced "low fat" intake of food to address its hunger, will end up where it is genetically predetermined. This means that success in this program will not necessarily end up in you becoming as thin as you think you have to be. This program does not stress a diet or deprivation. It stresses consistency, balance and moderation. There are no pre-determined food supplements, calorie levels or fat grams to be ingested daily. There is no mandatory weigh in and in fact the use of the scale is discouraged. This program is different from any other weight management program you have ever been in and yet the voices of resistance are at work in you trying to keep you off track and unsuccessful in achieving the "3 increases" in this program. What are the messages of these voices? What follows are some examples:

No matter what you achieve in this program it will never be "good enough."

This voice has several faces. This voice is the need for approval from others. It is the fear of rejection from others. It is the "not good enough" voice of perfectionism. This message is persistent and very loud. The voice is always there when you are exercising, eating, reading this book or attending the Tools for a Balanced Lifestyle class. It makes you question if you will ever be able to get the approval from others for perfectly achieving the "3 increases" of the program. It can come as a result of a critical sounding comments from someone which triggers this voice. It can come from within yourself. The criticism may sound like: "Why haven't you lost more weight by now?" "Why haven't you incorporated more exercise in your life by now?" "Why haven't you changed your eating habits by now?" "Why haven't you tried any of the Tools for Coping and Self-Esteem Seeker's Anonymous Systems of Recovery by now?" "Why haven't you begun to like yourself better by now?" "Why haven't you accepted your body by now?" "Why haven't you taken this program more seriously by now?" "What are you accomplishing in this class or with this book, since you haven't made many changes in your life yet?" "Why would you bother others with your concern because it will waste their time?" "Why are you eating that food, you know it isn't good for you, don't you?" "Why aren't you trying harder in this program?" "Are you sure you are putting 100% effort into this program?" "Why are you trying this program since you have never been successful in any of the other weight management programs you have tried in the past?" These criticisms make you feel scolded, admonished and belittled. You feel shame, guilt and embarrassment from these messages. Because of the nature of the negative tone of this perfectionistic voice you find yourself becoming rebellious and defiant to implementing the program. This voice seems to contribute to your "acting out" against the spirit and directives of the program. This is self-defeating and self-destructive. What you need to do is to work on consistently unconditionally loving and accepting yourself enough to silence this voice of "not good enough" perfectionism with new positive affirmations of:

• I love myself just the way I am.
• I am doing this program for me and not to please anyone else.
• I will only focus on what I want out of this program rather than what I think others want for me to get out of this program.
• I am taking this program one step at a time.
• I am doing what I need to do to gain the 3 increases of health, happiness and energy.
• I am doing what I need to do to increase my level of motivation, commitment and desire to change.
• I deserve to take this program one day at a time at the speed which is healthy for me.
• I am doing this program for myself and do not have to defend my progress to anyone.
• I am ok just the way I am.
• I only need my approval and acceptance for what I accomplish in this program
• I will work at implementing a WGAS (who gives a sh_t) attitude about what others think about my progress in this program.
• I will silence the voice of the need for approval of others when it comes up in the future.
• I will silence the voice of the fear of rejection when it comes up in the future.
• I will silence the voice of "not good enough" when it comes up in the future.
• I will silence the voice of perfectionism when it comes up in the future.
• You may experience changes in your life once you have achieved a balanced lifestyle which might harm you.

This voice is the fear of change. It is the voice of conditional acceptance. This voice encourages you to procrastinate and drag your heals at fully implementing this balanced lifestyles program. This voice is based on the fear that your life will change so much that you will no longer be successful in those areas of achievement which you have used in the past to overcompensate for your low self-esteem which stemmed from you being overweight. You are afraid that you will lose your competitive edge on your job, at school or in the areas of competition you are involved in to give you the sense of worth and success you lack from being overweight. This voice brings up your fear of loss of approval from others especially authority figures for being successful in doing what you do. This voice is the fear of loss of recognition and fear of rejection by others who have recognized you as being successful and achieving. This voice challenges your sense of being validated for who you are by how much you accomplish, how much you earn for a living or how much wealth you have accumulated. You fear wellness, thinness, a balanced life, healthy relationship with food, healthy exercise program and self-esteem enhancing activities based on the Tools for Coping Series. You fear your life will change so much that you will no longer be motivated to work as hard as you do to prove you are a worthwhile person. You fear that by loving yourself for who you are rather than for what you accomplish, you might no longer work as hard as you have in the past and no longer be the "star achiever." This is a self-destructive fear. It is based on the belief that you are only a good person if you meet certain conditions in life. It is conditional acceptance. The healthy alternative is unconditional self-acceptance of yourself for who you are rather than what you accomplish. It is true that once you get healthier, you may no longer desire to over compensate for your inadequacies by over achieving. On the other hand you will be the possessor of the 3 increases of health, happiness and energy and your life and priorities in life will be more rational, realistic and healthy. What you need to overcome this voice of fear of change is to use affirmations such as:

• I am a good person because I am alive.
• I am ok just the way I am.
• I accept myself for who I am and not for what I do or accomplish.
• I am working on increasing my health, happiness and energy because I deserve it.
• WGAS what others think about my accomplishments in life.
• I only need my approval for my accomplishments and achievements in life.
• I only need to accomplish and achieve what I think is healthy for me to accomplish and achieve in my life.
• I am better off being a healthy, happy and energized human being than being an unhealthy, unhappy and fatigued over achiever.
• I would rather live a longer, healthier, happier and energized life than die a sickly, depressed and exhausted "success story."
• I will achieve the "3 Increases" in this program because they are good for me.
• I will be able to handle the changes in my life which will come from my change in lifestyle.
• I will silence the voice of fear of change when it comes up in the future.
• I will silence the "conditional acceptance" voice when it comes up in the future.
• I will silence the voice of procrastination when it comes up in the future.
• If you become healthier, happier and more energized you may become more attractive to people and are you sure you want that.

This voice says your life may change resulting in increased demand on your time, increased sense of responsibility for others and increased emotional vulnerability. People of the opposite sex may consider you more attractive not due to your intellect and competency but because of your physical attractiveness. This voice is the fear of success. This voice irrationally encourages you to question why would you want to change your current state of social affairs. You have become complacent with your life the way it is and fear that by getting the "3 Increases" you will be open and more attractive to others to engage themselves with you socially. You are comfortable in you isolation and loneliness which you have experienced over the years. You may have been hurt by other people in the past and fear the possibility of the abuse and degradation you experienced then. Your weight has provided you with the insulation which you have needed to ward off the social and sexual advances of members of the opposite sex which you have avoided since you were once abused physically, sexually, emotionally or verbally by one or more of them in your past. Rather than want the attention of the members of the opposite sex, you prefer to compete with them in the work place and fear that your intellect, competency and achievement will be overlooked because you may become more physically attractive by gaining the "3 Increases. You find it hard to believe that the opposite sex could find you both attractive and intelligent simultaneously and that one does not exclude the other. You are in denial that your loneliness and isolation are destructive to your healthy, happiness and energy level. You are justifying your current or old unhealthy lifestyle to make it easier for you to reject this program and its goals. This is self-destructive and self-defeating. You are not really happy and content being so isolated and ignored by others. Your invisibility is not as enjoyable as you would like to believe it is. This voice is a liar. It is a deceiver. It is insidious because it attacks your fragile self-worth with fears of abuse and emotional hurt and pain if you should become successful in changing your lifestyle. It sounds so kind and concerned for your well being, but it really is the voice of self-defeat, self-destruction and self-delusion. What you need to do is to affirm yourself with the following:

• I deserve to have people involved in my life.
• I deserve to have a healthy, open and honest relationship with a member of the opposite sex.
• I deserve the "3 Increases" of health, happiness and energy so that I can become more engaged with people.
• I deserve a more active social life.
• I am an intelligent, competent, attractive human being.
• I am capable of having healthy relationships, which complement my new lifestyle.
• I am healthy enough to be selective with the people I include in my life.
• I deserve to be accepted by others for my appearance as well as for my intelligence and competence.
• I will be able to handle the success, which will accompany my change in lifestyle.
• I deserve to be a healthy sexual and sensuous person.
• I will silence the voice of fear of success when it comes up in the future.
• If you need to work hard for the rest of your life to maintain the balanced lifestyle you attain in this program, then why try since you will fail in the effort over time anyway.

This is the voice of self-defeatism. It is the voice of doom and gloom. It is the pessimistic voice which is a passive voice of anger and resentment at the life-long nature of the balanced lifestyle model. It is the voice of self-doubt and self-degradation. It is the negative self-script which insures you never trying anything new because you will probably fail at it anyway. This self-critical voice is irrational and unrealistic. The balanced lifestyle program is not a regimented program with specific target goals to attain over time. It is not a diet with do's and don'ts. It is a program of suggested methods to increase your self-esteem and self-regulate your body by a "reduced fat" caloric intake and increase of exercise. This voice is very self-defeating because it does not want you to take a risk of possibly failing. It wants you to maintain the status quo and not make any changes. It is afraid to allow you to step out of the "old you" and to take on the a healthier "new you." This is probably because of the panic and fear which results from having to LET GO of so many old habits which have become "normal" for you. As you let go of the old and not yet fully implemented the new habits, you will often feel sicker and unbalanced as if you have been dropped out of an airplane without a parachute. You feel the panic of the discomfort of not knowing where you will land and in the panic you rationalize that the effort will be "too big" and talk yourself out of trying at all. You would prefer to stay on the plane of dis-health than jump out of it, if jumping out causes so much panic an distress in your life. Then your voice rationalizes that since to maintain the new lifestyle habits will take continuous effort you feel more convinced that staying on board of the "unhealthy" lifestyle plane is a better choice. This self-deception and misguided thinking requires increased ALERT work to reduce your stress, anxiety and panic as you venture out into the new world of balanced lifestyles and requires you to begin to affirm yourself with messages such as:

• I am worth taking the risk to change and grow.
• My level of health, happiness and energy will grow if I take the risk to change.
• I am worth the lifelong effort to maintain my new balanced lifestyle.
• I will work on my food addiction for the rest of my life because I deserve this effort.
• I will maintain my increased level of exercise to insure my "3 Increases" for life.
• I will take the risk to open myself up to a new life filled with the" 3 Increases."
• I will do ANGER work to quiet the pessimism and resentment I feel about having to work on maintaining my balanced lifestyle for the rest of my life.
• I can be a winner by changing my lifestyle.
• I can maintain my new lifestyle for the rest of my life.
• I will silence the voice of self-defeatism when it comes up in the future.
• I will silence the voice of doom and gloom when it comes up in the future.
• I will silence the voice of pessimism when it comes up in the future.
• You look like you have lost weight. You look good.

This voice is the sense of being only conditionally accepted by others. It is the voice of the need to be invisible to others. It is the voice of complements which imply you were "not good enough" prior to your changing your lifestyle and losing weight. This voice implies: "You had better stay on that "diet" because if you don't you will not be accepted and complemented in the future." It is the left handed complement which broadsides your sense of self-worth and self-confidence. It makes you question: "What was I before I lost weight? Chopped liver?" "Wasn't I good enough to be recognized for who I am before I lost weight?" "Do I have to be thin before people will like, accept or approve of me?" "Is this why I have never felt loved and accepted by others because they were judgmental and critical of me for being fat or obese?" "Am I supposed to lose weight to please others?" "Is this Tools for a Balanced Lifestyles Program only a ploy to get me to lose weight so as to become more accepted and recognized by others?" "Is this what it is all about, just to lose weight so that I look good?" These questions then raise resentment and anger in you and lead to a sense of rebellion. You find yourself backing down from doing the balanced lifestyles changes you have implemented and find yourself back into your foodaholic and compulsive overeating habits. You cease exercising and forget all you have learned about healthy nutrition. You "act out" and relapse into your "troubled person"mode of life. You are subconsciously having a civil war against yourself and others who complement you for your change in appearance and possible loss of weight. You feel betrayed by yourself and others because you feel that the condition of your body size is the "only" measure of your worth and value to yourself and others. You are led to backslide and relapse into your old unhealthy ways of eating, living and reacting to life because you are confused and feel betrayed. You rationalize, that everyone including yourself are not worth pleasing and gaining acceptance from, so you are willing to let your body go back to it old "fat" size. The fat also acts as a shield to help you gain invisibility from others and then you rationalize they will no longer look at you and judge you. This is all very self-defeating, irrational and hazardous to your health. What you need to do is to learn to accept complements for what they are meant to be. Complements are simply others' ways of giving you support and reassurance that you are taking good care of yourself. They are not meant to be statements of the conditional judgement which they trigger in the voice in your head. What you need to do, to silence this voice, is to use the following affirmations:

• I deserve to be complemented for the accomplishments I make in gaining a balanced lifestyle.
• I deserve to be recognized for my appearance.
• I will maintain my being visible to others and to myself.
• I will let go of the invisibility I have by being fat.
• I will allow others to complement me and not take it as a critical judgment against me.
• I will do ANGER work to rid myself of the sense of resentment that I am only "good enough" if I am thin.
• I will LET GO of the power I give others' comments about my weight and body size.
• I will unconditionally accept myself as I am and not as I think I should be.
• I will allow others to support and reassure me that I am being successful in accomplishing my new balanced lifestyle.
• I will just say "Thank You" when people complement the changes in my body and weight.
• I will remind people that my only goal in changing my lifestyle is to gain the "3 Increases" of health, happiness and energy.
• I will silence the voice of conditional acceptance when it comes up in the future.
• I will silence the voice of the need for invisibility when it comes up in the future.
• All of your problems in life are because you are overweight.

This voice is the voice of denial. It denies the real problems of food addiction, foodaholicism and compulsive overeating. It denies the real problem of faulty nutritional intake, which is heavy in fats and sugar. It denies the real problem of not enough exercise in your life. It denies the real problems of low self-esteem stemming from irrational thinking, unresolved anger, a lack of self-love and over controlling behaviors. This voice simplifies your life into one target issue, which raises your rebellion and resentment. You get so angry at this message that you revengefully keep all of your weight and in fact even gain more. You resent having your weight brought up as an issue in your life. You would prefer that it never be mentioned. You are so used to this voice that you at times are convinced that your only problem is your weight. You reason that since your weight is your primary problem then you should be on a diet to get the weight off. You question the wisdom and common sense of the Tools for a Balanced Lifestyle Program, which does not give you a diet to lose weight with. You also are confused and upset because this program says that your weight is not a problem. You are told by this program that perhaps you will weigh as much as you do now or maybe just a little less if you fully implement the program and allow your body to self-regulated itself. You are not sure you like the news about the "Italian bank account." Since your weight is your only problem you figure you need to go on a diet, lose weight and you will be ok. After all you are not successful in life because of your weight you rationalize. This voice tells you things like: "You will never be liked by others unless you lose weight." "You will never find anyone to love you unless you lose weight." "You will never get married unless you lose weight." "You will never be able to get a good job unless you lose weight." "You will never be successful on your job unless you lose weight." "You are not ever going to be happy unless you lose weight." You will never be healthy unless you lose weight." "You will never have enough energy in life unless you lose weight." You know that these messages are faulty. You know that it is not the weight that makes you unhealthy it is the constant yo-yo dieting and starvation diets you go on which make you unhealthy. You know that your low energy level is not because of your weight but because of a lack of adequate exercise and improper nutrition. You know that your unhappiness is not because of your weight but because of your lack of implementing a system of rational living based on the principals of the ALERT, ANGER, CHILD and LET GO systems. You know that your weight has been scapegoated as the only reason for all of your problems and that this is irrational, unrealistic and not based in reality. What you need to do, to silence the voice of denial, is to use the following affirmations:

• I will address the issues of poor nutrition, lack of exercise and irrational living to correct the many problems I have in my life.
• I will experience the "3 Increases" in my life even though I may not lose the amount of weight I have always believed I need to.
• I will be able to have a healthy, happy and more energized life by implementing the program of the Tools for a Balanced Lifestyle without the need to lose weight.
• Loss of weight is not the primary goal of mine for changing my lifestyle.
• I will be healthier, happier and have more energy if I address my food addiction, increase the amount of exercise in my life and improve my nutritional intake.
• I will be able to improve my life by addressing my real issues, which are deeper and more hidden from me at times.
• I will improve my self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence by changing my lifestyle.
• I will gain the support of others to address my real problems and stop scapegoating my weight as the reason for all of my ills.
• I will be able to live a healthier, happier and more energized life by changing my lifestyle and not necessarily lose weight in the process.
• I have no need for diet to gain the "3 Increases" in my life.
• I will live my new life "diet" free.
• I will silence the voice of denial when it comes up in the future.

The voices of resistance are very strong. They lead you to revert back to helplessness, irresponsibility and hopelessness. They are the motives behind your behavioral patterns of resistance of looking good, acting out, pulling in, entertaining and the troubled person. The voices are hidden in the recesses of your mind and will be with you for the rest of your life and are the triggers, which can lead to relapse, back sliding and reverses in your balanced lifestyle changes. You will need to be on the ALERT for these voices and work on a continuing basis to silence them so as to achieve the "3 Increases" of health, happiness and energy in this program.

With kind Permision
James J. Messina, Ph.D., & Constance M. Messina, Ph.D.Copin www.coping.org